Before flying, practice taking off your shoes and your belt while holding on to your license and your
boarding pass and taking your cell-phone, and your digital camera and your i-Pod out of your carry-on
bag.
Time yourself.
Tell your doctor you hate flying.
Mention terrorists.He'll give you great drugs.
Printout all your flight information beforehand, and get to the airport early. This helps you function
better when you double the prescribed dose of what the doctor gave you.
Wear loose fitting jeans. You'll be more comfortable on that long flight.
If you're in an airport and you speak a foreign language, always speak the foreign language as loudly as
possible in order to be like the other people who speak foreign languages at the top of their lungs in
airports.
Don't tie your shoes too tightly.
It's very hard to stand on one foot when your taking the shoe off the other foot when you have doubled
the dose of what the doctor gave you when you lied about the terrorists. Leaving your shoes loose
makes it much easier for you not to tip over. Especially while you're loaded and trying to take all that
other shit off and out.
If you speak a foreign language at the top of your lungs in airports, please feel free to cut in line in
front of any fat regular American people who look like they're gonna tip over as the try to take their
tight shoes off while standing on one leg and dropping their cell phones.
When you get through the security line, always remember to put your belt back on, or your comfortable
loose jeans will fall down as you bend over to tie up your loosely tied shoes and pick up the pieces of
your shattered cell phone.
When you get to the gate, waiting to board the plane, notice how cute that little baby girl is over there.
Three hours from now you will want to kill her.
Once on the plane -
Women - please express every single thought that comes into your head, non-stop in a nasal voice
throughout the entire 6 hour flight, and never stop talking if you want to be like every other woman on
the plane.
Foreigners- please do the same only much louder.
If you are a formerly cute baby, now is the time to begin screaming as if you are being cornholed with a
sautering gun.
Pay no attention to the safety info the stewardess gives you about oxygen masks seat cushions,
floatation devices, exits etc...
If it's goin' down your fucked.
But at least you doubled the dose of that shit the doctor gave you, after you said you were worried
about terrorists, so who gives a rat's ass?
The arm rest is yours.
Get control of it early. Never give it up. If you get up to go to the bathroom, and some bastard has their
arm on it, fart and fart well. This will cause them to shift their weight way from you so you can
re-conquer the armrest and pass out from that shit the doctor gave you for bitching about the terrorists.
Remember:
Your flight number is 1113,
your gate number is B34,
you are in seat 24A,
You're landing at 1:30 at gate C6.
You have to get to gate B29 to get onto flight 1169,by 2 something
and you get seat 24C which lands at 4:30 at Gate C5,
and you must proceed to bag claim 3 on the lower level
to get to the Super shuttle near Bag claim 1.
...Something about some numbers too... but you can't stay awake.
Where the hell are you going anyway?
You're drooling and you can't see your video i-Pod very well, because of that terrorist doctor.
Adjust to the fact that all stewardesses these days are like fullbacks with yeast infections.
Always get a window seat near the wing so you can worry about monsters out there eating parts of the
plane like that old Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner.
Happy flying!
-Kenny
