Why do old people smack their lips?
Somebody asked me that yesterday.
Well the answer is: They aren't really smacking their lips at all.
Approximately 15% of people older than 65 are thought to have dementia.
Dementia occurs when nerve cells (neurons) in the brain break down (degenerate)
and connections between neurons are interrupted.
For reasons scientists don't understand, many people over 65 have reported
seeing invisible Mau Maus.
This shared phenomenon baffles leading scientists.
Honest.
When elderly people see an invisible Mau Mau they warn each other silently by
mouthing the words "Mau Mau," over and over.
This gives the appearance that they're smacking their lips when actually they just
keep saying Mau Mau a lot.
You ever go to to Stop & Shop and there's some prune-faced coot blocking the
aisle, or wobbling around in front of the Land O Lakes area?.
They stand in the doorways and they walk right in front of your car out in the
parking lot when you leave.
You know why?
It's because they're seeing those invisible Mau Mau's while experiencing those four
hour erections they warn you about in those Viagra commercials.
On top of that, they're really slow at getting the punch-lines to jokes.
So when they read the Globe on Sunday, and they look at a Howard Huge
cartoon, or Family Circle,
...Sometime Tuesday morning the joke hits them and they get it.
So they stand there at Stop & Shop with invisible Mau Mau's all around them, and
their ancient junk is all standing up like Gomer Pyle, as it has been for FOUR
HOURS and they try to picture a cartoon Saint Bernard making a pun about
Valentine's Day or some shit.
They look down at their socks and sandals, let loose a biblical fart, hoping THAT
will scare away the invisible Mau Mau by the butter aisle and it looks like they're
just turning into a statue and smacking their lips a lot.
If they are mouthing the words "Mau Mau, Mau Mau, Mau Mau," invisible mau
maus with blow-guns may be surrounding them with spears or darts... shit like that.
So it looks like they're trying to get in your way, when actually they're ducking an
arrow or something. That's why they're always stooped over.
Arrows.
If they aren't mouthing those words though, chances are they're just getting the
punch-line to a Mutt & Jeff cartoon or thinking about a Reader's Digest article from
1963.
So you're thinking, "Get the hell out of the way,"
and they're thinking, "I Am Joe's Pancreas."
