On Turning 50 - Kenny Hogan
On the 4th of July I will wake up and be fifty years old!
How did this happen to me?
Getting old wasn't supposed to happen to me!
I used to be cool! Now I grunt and fart when I tie my shoes.
I tell people to slow down. I tell kids to stay out of my yard.
It's hard to admit that I'm not young any more, that I'm slower and rounder,
and lazier too.
I have a remote control for my friggin air conditioner!
Jesus, how lazy do you have to be to say, "It's too friggin' hot for me.
I don't wanna walk across the room. Where's my remote?"
I actually keep THREE TV remotes in my living room, because I'm too lazy to
look for them when they get lost.
When I was a kid every house had one TV, one phone, one stereo, and that
was it.
I started playing guitar when I was ten, after watching the Beatles on a black
and white TV. (no remote)
We had an antenna on the roof with motor on it, and we thought that was cool.
There was a big dial on top of the TV, and you had to turn the dial to get the
antenna to go around. It made a noise like this:
Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!...
And you had to stand there and wait.
If a plane flew over the house it would screw up the whole picture.
Come to think of it, back when I was a kid my father used ME as the remote
control.
"What the hell is this show? Mod Squad? KENNY! Turn on channel 7, Combat
is on!"
My 45 records and my albums were my prized possessions. Now I love my
i-pod instead. I miss the album covers though.
Why can't they cell Cd's inside full sized album covers?
Fifty years old, and I'm still playing gigs.
Forty years have gone by. I wonder if I'll ever get to be good at it?
I wonder how many gigs I've done in my life... More than a thousand? Maybe.
Probably.
The Rolling Stones are way older than me and they're still rockin'.
I wonder if Keith Richards grunts and farts when he ties his shoes?
"Excuse me Mick I have to tie my shoe.." ffffFFFRRRAAAMMPPP!, (Grunting
with an English accent)
Do you think Keith or Mick use Viagra?
Why not? They've tried every other drug.
But they probably crush it up and snort it.
I once ran an eighteen mile road race.
Now when the pizza guy comes to the door, I make my kid answer it.
Half a century has gone by. How did this happen to me?
I used to have so much energy.
Now if I walk down to the sub shop I need a nap.
The other day I drove for three exits before realizing that I left my
directional on.
That's a bad sign, isn't it?
I know who Petula Clarke IS!
That's how old I am.
Wait a minute, I gotta tie my shoe... bbbBRRAAAMPHFF!!! (grunt) excuse me!
I've been wondering...
Is it okay for me to still look at girls, or am I just a perverted fifty year old
man now?
They don't look back any more anyways.
If I go to the beach Greenpeace tries to roll me back into the ocean.
I can never relax because I have to dodge the harpoons.
At least I still have hair.
Most of my friends have to put sun-block on their heads.
Think of the money I've saved on sun-blocking my head!
And at least I'm alive. Some of my friends aren't.
Mentally I don't feel any different.
I'm still just as mental and different as I used to be.
I only have a few days left to be in my forties. Fourth of July I will be
officially OLD.
I hope the birthday candles don't set off the smoke alarms.
Maybe I should by loafers so I don't have totie my shoe...
ffffFFFRRRAAAMMPPP!
On the 4th of July I will wake up and be fifty years old!
How did this happen to me?
Getting old wasn't supposed to happen to me!
I used to be cool! Now I grunt and fart when I tie my shoes.
I tell people to slow down. I tell kids to stay out of my yard.
It's hard to admit that I'm not young any more, that I'm slower and rounder,
and lazier too.
I have a remote control for my friggin air conditioner!
Jesus, how lazy do you have to be to say, "It's too friggin' hot for me.
I don't wanna walk across the room. Where's my remote?"
I actually keep THREE TV remotes in my living room, because I'm too lazy to
look for them when they get lost.
When I was a kid every house had one TV, one phone, one stereo, and that
was it.
I started playing guitar when I was ten, after watching the Beatles on a black
and white TV. (no remote)
We had an antenna on the roof with motor on it, and we thought that was cool.
There was a big dial on top of the TV, and you had to turn the dial to get the
antenna to go around. It made a noise like this:
Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!... Gadderrzh-ditt!...
And you had to stand there and wait.
If a plane flew over the house it would screw up the whole picture.
Come to think of it, back when I was a kid my father used ME as the remote
control.
"What the hell is this show? Mod Squad? KENNY! Turn on channel 7, Combat
is on!"
My 45 records and my albums were my prized possessions. Now I love my
i-pod instead. I miss the album covers though.
Why can't they cell Cd's inside full sized album covers?
Fifty years old, and I'm still playing gigs.
Forty years have gone by. I wonder if I'll ever get to be good at it?
I wonder how many gigs I've done in my life... More than a thousand? Maybe.
Probably.
The Rolling Stones are way older than me and they're still rockin'.
I wonder if Keith Richards grunts and farts when he ties his shoes?
"Excuse me Mick I have to tie my shoe.." ffffFFFRRRAAAMMPPP!, (Grunting
with an English accent)
Do you think Keith or Mick use Viagra?
Why not? They've tried every other drug.
But they probably crush it up and snort it.
I once ran an eighteen mile road race.
Now when the pizza guy comes to the door, I make my kid answer it.
Half a century has gone by. How did this happen to me?
I used to have so much energy.
Now if I walk down to the sub shop I need a nap.
The other day I drove for three exits before realizing that I left my
directional on.
That's a bad sign, isn't it?
I know who Petula Clarke IS!
That's how old I am.
Wait a minute, I gotta tie my shoe... bbbBRRAAAMPHFF!!! (grunt) excuse me!
I've been wondering...
Is it okay for me to still look at girls, or am I just a perverted fifty year old
man now?
They don't look back any more anyways.
If I go to the beach Greenpeace tries to roll me back into the ocean.
I can never relax because I have to dodge the harpoons.
At least I still have hair.
Most of my friends have to put sun-block on their heads.
Think of the money I've saved on sun-blocking my head!
And at least I'm alive. Some of my friends aren't.
Mentally I don't feel any different.
I'm still just as mental and different as I used to be.
I only have a few days left to be in my forties. Fourth of July I will be
officially OLD.
I hope the birthday candles don't set off the smoke alarms.
Maybe I should by loafers so I don't have totie my shoe...
ffffFFFRRRAAAMMPPP!
